i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
