I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
