drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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