i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He kissed a someone with a penis
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
