I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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