I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
