Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
