i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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