I accidentally burped into my bong.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize