I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
