She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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