i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
