Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I AM VODKA MAN
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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