Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The beer is more important than you right now.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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