I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
