allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
