she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
