just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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