I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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