I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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