Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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