I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just had sex on a roof
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
