You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
