i just sold back the books i vomitted on
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
As shirtless as possible
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
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I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
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Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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