He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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