so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
