i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
