as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
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did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Boobs speak an international language.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
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I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...