CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
