those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
