i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
