I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
