She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
