how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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