uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
