My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
