I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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