we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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