he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
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