Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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