Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
operation harelip BJ is a go
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
