The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
