There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
