He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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