I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
no. you can't hotbox the world.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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