you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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