I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
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My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
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I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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