Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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