I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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