I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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