If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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