I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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