you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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