We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Pants are for mortals
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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