Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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