My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
