I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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